Introduction
Just Where You Left It
Could Do Better
My Dad Is Sooo Embarrassing
We Have Ways of Making You Eat
The Poetry Recitation
Emojis
For Goodness’ Sake – Let’s Take a Break…
Common Entrance Latin
Two in a Row
I’m Not Very Well…
Guidelines for the Sidelines
Finding a Mate
Dad Got C- for My Homework
The Best Advice
The Sports Day
No Room for Us on the Bus
Social Not-Working
Prize Giving
Frankly, Mrs Butler…
Bully for You
Thank You, Baby Boomers
If You Bill It, They Will Come
About the Author
Acknowledgements
Supporters
Dedication
Copyright
Dear Reader,
The book you are holding came about in a rather different way to most others. It was funded directly by readers through a new website: Unbound. Unbound is the creation of three writers. We started the company because we believed there had to be a better deal for both writers and readers. On the Unbound website, authors share the ideas for the books they want to write directly with readers. If enough of you support the book by pledging for it in advance, we produce a beautifully bound special subscribers’ edition and distribute a regular edition and e-book wherever books are sold, in shops and online.
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As parents, many of us are more than willing to drive our kids around, attend their school events, participate where necessary and generally do our bit. But there is a limit.
For me, the annual school poetry competition was the one. We were all tired of the same old poems being regurgitated, and my eldest son asked me to write one for him to read out. One with a bit more relevance. And more laughs. He didn’t win, but “The Poetry Recitation” went down well so I did the same thing the next year for son number two. By the time it was the third son’s turn, we won the damn thing.
That winning poem was “Just Where You Left It” and you’ll find it here, alongside other poems that reflect on the more amusing aspects of families and modern life. Whether the theme is school rituals or family holidays, breaking the rules, friendship or the many embarrassing faults that parents possess, I have tried to cast a humorist’s eye over them all in verse form. And attempted to make them rhyme. Most of the time.
I hope you enjoy them.
David Roche
“Mum, I can’t find my shin pads and it’s football today.
It’s the 3rds v St Wotsits and we’re playing away.
They’ve got that big bruiser who plays at the back.
Where the hell are my shin pads? He is prone to hack.”
“They’re just where you left them. Why’s your memory so poor?
Right under the radiator by the back door.”
“Mum, I can’t find my door key, I think it’s been stolen.
Or maybe it fell from my pocket with the hole in.
So it is partly your fault. Can you get me another?
You did it for Daniel, and he’s my big brother.”
“Conspiracy theory is not a bad call,
But it’s right where you left it, on the tray in the hall.”
“Mum, I can’t find my biro, and it’s not ‘where I left it’.
I used it for homework so don’t even suggest it.
I left it right here so you must have moved it.
It’s your fault, it’s obvious, and ha!, I’ve just proved it.”
“You’ve got me. I’m guilty. Arrest me. But wait…
What’s that, where you left it, right under your plate?”
So how do mums do that? They have a sixth sense
For locating my iPhone or an old fifty pence.
It’s the same for our dad too. If he needs the remote,
He just asks our mum and it’s Murder She Wrote…
“If you got off your backside and looked under the couch,
It’s there, where you left it, now mow the lawn.” Ouch.
There must be a cheat way that mums win our deference.
They hide stuff, and map it, then learn the grid reference.
They memorise items and their hidden location,
Then have all the answers, like it’s their vocation.
“That’s right, you believe that while you’re all away,
We’re just where you left us, doing nothing all day.”
It’s the end of term and the school report
Fills me with cynicism.
In the olden days they’d tell you straight;
Now it’s a euphemism.
You’ve got to learn the secret code
(They don’t want to contravene
The Teachers’ Charter), so you must translate
To know what they really mean.
For example, they have to describe a child
Even if they don’t know them from Adam.
If your child is labelled a “natural leader”,
That means they’re a right bossy madam.
ssion