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stevebest.com

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Unbound

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All rights reserved

© Steve Best, 2017

The right of Steve Best to be identified as the author of this work

has been asserted in accordance with Section 77 of the Copyright,

Designs and Patents Act 1988. No part of this publication may

be copied, reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted,

in any form or by any means without the prior permission of the

publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or

cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar

condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

While every effort has been made to trace all present copyright

holders of the material in this book, we hereby apologise for any

unintentional omissions. You can either heckle Steve where you

sit or write to him and corrections will be made.

The views and opinions expressed in this publication are solely

those of the original authors and contributors. These views and

opinions do not necessarily represent those of Steve Best

or the publishers.

Photography Steve Best

Text page design Catherine French

A CIP record for this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978-1-78352-338-2 (trade ppb)

ISBN 978-1-78352-339-9 (ebook)

ISBN 978-1-78352-340-5 (limited edition)

Printed in Great Britain

Dear Reader

The book you are holding came about in a rather different way

to most others. It was funded directly by readers through a new

website: Unbound. Unbound is the creation of three writers.

We started the company because we believed there had to

be a better deal for both writers and readers. On the Unbound

website, authors share the ideas for the books they want to

write directly with readers. If enough of you support the book

by pledging for it in advance, we produce a beautifully bound

special subscribers’ edition and distribute a regular edition and

e-book wherever books are sold, in shops and online.

This new way of publishing is actually a very old idea (Samuel

Johnson funded his dictionary this way). We’re just using the

internet to build each writer a network of patrons. Here, at the

back of this book, you’ll find the names of all the people who

made it happen. Publishing in this way means readers are

no longer just passive consumers of the books they buy, and

authors are free to write the books they really want. They get

a much fairer return too – half the profits their books generate,

rather than a tiny percentage of the cover price.

If you’re not yet a subscriber, we hope that you’ll want to join

our publishing revolution and have your name listed in one of

our books in the future. To get you started, here is a £5 discount

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and type Joker in the promo code box when you check out.

Thank you for your support,

Dan, Justin and John Founders, Unbound

i

ii

Hello, my name is Steve Best and I’ve been a stand-up

comedian for over twenty years. There, I’ve outed

myself at last.

I have performed all over the world including South Africa,

Malaysia, Indonesia, Bosnia, Holland, Denmark, The Falkland

Islands and Southend on Sea. I plan to go further afield.

I have been on huge nationwide tours with Frank Skinner, Craig

Charles and Omid Djalili. I have been on TV (a few times).

I am also a photographer. Some would say a clown

photographer (a clowntographer – doesn’t quite work!).

I have met some very weird and wonderful comedy people

over my career and have felt the need, the desire no less,

to share these misfits with you. This book is a snapshot of

the vast number of these comedians on the UK comedy

circuit. All the pictures are taken by me. The insights and

jokes come straight from the horses’ mouths; over 500

comedians. 527 to be precise, 528 counting me. These

funny people have been snapped at different stages of

their careers – some old, some young, some just starting out,

some established, some on the way to fame and fortune,

and some already there. Nearly all the shots were taken

backstage before or after a gig. A few photos were

taken at social gatherings, coffee meet ups, poker games,

various London train stations, and some were taken

at places too sordid to mention.

Introduction

After I had taken the photograph I then asked the comedian

a few questions

When and where you started comedy*

A one-liner joke of yours**

Four or five facts about yourself that have

nothing to do with your comedy career

(unless weird and wonderful)***

There is no order to where the comedians are placed in

the book, alphabetically or otherwise, it is more to do with

how they looked artistically on the page. I have though

placed some of the comedians purposely together, due

to a romantic connection. I will leave that up to you

to find out which ones they are.

I have hugely enjoyed every aspect of bringing Joker Face

to life. I hope you have as much fun reading it.

iii

There are certain venues where the comedians started their careers that seem

to crop up more than others. Due to the ever changing world and nature of

the stand-up comedy circuit, many of these places sadly no longer exist.

Most of the comedians have given me a joke, but a few, due to the

very observational nature of their material, have not.

I was after facts that were quirky and strange, and either not

readily available or completely undiscoverable on the

world wide web.

*

**

***

1

Dyslexia is an anagram

of horse.

I am a twin. My twin brother

is ten minutes older than me.

Time, I’m told, for my mum

to have a cup of tea

in between deliveries.

One year at senior school I

got an A for effort and an A

for attainment in every single

subject on my end-of-year

school report. I then became

obsessed with magic and

performing and ended up

getting an O level grade for

my French A level. Merde!

I have had two operations

in the last couple of years to

combat my snoring. The first

was an Uvulopalatoplasty

(a surgical procedure in

which a laser is used to

remove most of the uvula

at the rear of the mouth).

I’m not being a baby, but

that bloody hurt. It didn’t

work. The second was a

Radio-Frequency Ablation

or Somnoplasty (in which

the inner tissue is heated to

85℃, which results in the

tissue beneath the skin

being scarred. This treatment

generally requires the

patient to undergo several

sessions). This operation

wasn’t as painful. I seriously

doubt whether this will work

either. I’m not going back.

My dad was mayor of

Epson & Ewell 1990/91.

I have never played

Candy Crush.

Picture taken Montenegro, June 2016

Steve Best

2

I started comedy in 1983

(blimey!) as part of the

Oxford Revue in Edinburgh.

I researched a Ph.D. in

Yiddish drama and

Jewish mysticism at

Oxford University.

I’m confident that I’m the

only stand-up who sings MC

Hammer songs in Yiddish.

Career highlight: being in

a Woody Allen film.

Career lowlight: being cut

from the Woody Allen film.

I’ve built up a large following

on Twitter, possibly due to

the number of people who

think I’m actually David

Schwimmer from Friends.

David Schneider

Picture taken Old Street, London, January 2016

3

I started in Bristol at a new act night

called Virgin Mirth in 1998. I followed

a mad act who ate a banana with

a spoon while singing the tune to

The Sweeney.

I was accused of being a Scientologist.

I scored a Rabona kick at Anfield.

I own four guitars and can’t play any of them.

Every T shirt that I’ve worn on the telly I’ve

given to one of my relatives.

My sister has been nominated for a Bafta.

Picture taken Headliners, Chiswick, February 2016

4

5

Norman Lovett

I started supporting punk

bands in London in 1979.

I’m half Italian.

When you get to sixty you’re

allowed to support two

football clubs. Mine are

Ipswich Town and Arsenal.

I have thirty-five pairs of

socks in one small drawer.

Four people who have died

within three months of me

meeting them are Bob Crow,

Max Wall, Roy Orbison

and Harry Worth.

No man is

an island;

except when

he’s having

a bath.

Picture taken Vauxhall, London, February 2016

6

I started at The Stand

in Edinburgh, 1995.

I taught myself to swim aged thirty.

I’m a qualified teacher in English.

My parents are native Irish speakers.

I was Scottish schools’ speaking

and debating champion.

Picture taken Hammersmith Apollo, January 2016

Nobody thought

Mel Gibson could

play a Scot but

look at him now!

Alcoholic and

a racist!

7

I started in the living room at

home in front of an edition

of The Sky at Night and later

The Mike Yarwood Show.

Also I’d copy the voices

of the school dinner ladies

who were sometimes like Les

Dawson’s Cissy and Ada.

I’ve seen two total solar eclipses.

I was taught to swim by

Chris Moyles.

I took my first photograph

aged five. It was of my two

model dinosaurs next to our

discarded Christmas tree in

the garden. I wanted to make

a Cretaceous scene.

I once took over the tannoy

of an aeroplane and made

the announcements as Ozzy

Osbourne, ‘This is your

captain speaking, rock n’ roll.

Right, let’s turn this flight over

there and go to Brazil’.

I’m a fellow of the Royal

Astronomical Society.

Picture taken Koko, Camden Town, London, November 2015

I started comedy at primary school in Hove.

It wasn’t called comedy then, it was called,

‘cheeky little blighter!’ I know it happened

because a former school nurse once told me.

I rescue wild animals in my spare time.

I married my first girlfriend. She was my assistant teacher at school.

Me and Jack Wild re-enacted the naked wrestling scene from

DH Lawrence’s Women in Love, in his back garden.

One Christmas Day, me and the wife, woke up our two children

and we all drove to Gatwick airport. We then flew on Concorde

up to Lapland, where we rode on reindeers and saw Father

Christmas. Then we flew Concord back home and still had

plenty of time to open the presents in the evening.

Picture taken JokeKlub, Great Totham, Essex, March 2014

8

I started comedy in 2007 at a tiny gig called Long Live

Comedy at The Dog and Parrot pub in Newcastle.

I used to be able to fit a pound coin in the gap in

my front teeth when I was a kid.

I swam a mile when I was seven.

I am quite good with a yoyo.

I love Lego.

I once got a pizza delivered to a moving train.

Picture taken Edinburgh Festival, August 2015

9

10

My grandmother

always used to say,

‘A stitch in time...

may create a

wormhole.’ She

was a physicist.

I started in 2002 in Edinburgh.

My first language was Urdu.

The best costume I’ve ever

had to wear was for a

post-apocalyptic prostitute.

Before writing jokes, I wrote

about human rights abuses.

Human rights abuses are

less fun.

I once did a ‘ventriloquism

act’ in a niqab, with a

Bart Simpson puppet,

while wheelchair-bound.

I regret that.

When I was a child, the

actress Susannah York once

offered to piss on me, when

I was stung by a jellyfish.

Abigail Burdess

Picture taken The Comedy Pub, London, October 2014

My comedy debut was in

2004. When I told my partner

I wanted to do stand-up

her first response was, ‘The

biggest problem you will have

is you are not at all funny’.

My day job is as a

psychotherapist. People often

suggest that I might be using

them for jokes. I have yet to

actually tell anyone they are

far too tedious for comedy

material but I have come

bloody close more than once.

My former careers have

included choir boy, farm

worker, psychiatric hospital

orderly, market trader, builder

and horse riding instructor.

I’m a long term member of

the George Formby Society.

I’m a keen and remarkably

unsuccessful gardener and

once won second prize

in a pig judging contest.

I have been mistaken many

times for Ben Elton.

Picture taken

Havant Arts Centre,

11

April 2008

12

Found my first

grey pubic hair

yesterday. In a

kebab, but they

all count.

Jeff Green

Picture taken Hampstead Village, London, July 2014

I started at Jackson’s Lane

Cabaret Workshop in

Archway – went there

around the end of ’87. I was

taught by Bob Boyton, John

Hegley, Donna McPhail and

Bob Mills. First gig: April

6th 1988, a place called

Funny Business at Fergies.

Headliner was Mike Hayley.

Got rebooked and paid

some months later – £7 – first

money earned from comedy.

Green is my third surname

(mother married three times).

I was born Neilson, then

Thomas at thirteen, then Green

from sixteen. Kids at school

thought I was in a witness

protection programme.

I have a 2.1 degree in

Mineral Engineering from

Birmingham University, where

I was also Vice President of

the union.

I am an only child in a family

of seven; I have two half

sisters, two half brothers

and two step sisters but

no full siblings.

I used to be a campanologist.

I’m the same weight as I

was when I started comedy:

12 stone 2lb.

My parents are exactly the

same as yours, average height,

and a little bit racist.

Jo Coffey

13

Picture taken RNIB, Camden, London, July 2015

I started eight years ago.

Bill Oddie once called me a wanker.

I own seasons 1–8 of Dallas on boxset.

I once locked myself in a cupboard during a job interview.

I’ve been going six years,

since 2007.

I came up with that joke

during a heavy drinking

session with Ian Cognito.

I’ve got three knees because

my brother hit me with

a cricket bat.

I lived in Romania for a

while and can speak

a bit of Romanian.

I write comic novels.

15

Picture taken King’s Cross, London, June 2016

My first gig was at David Goo’s open mic night at the

Cross Kings pub in King’s Cross, London in 2008.

I enjoy paying for things with the exact change.

I was a member of the sixties band The Zombies, for one hour.

I sometimes like to scrunch my eyes up tightly until I can

hear a whooshing sound in my ears.

My nan thinks the shop Argos is called Argost.

16

Picture taken The Hideaway, Streatham, February 2014

Julie Andrews’ father taught me to swim.

I share a birthday with Kim Jong-il and Amanda Holden.

My other job is writing junk mail.

17

Picture taken Sudbury, November 2015

18

It was so cold

yesterday my

computer froze.

My own fault

though, I left too

many windows

open.

I started performing a show

on the streets of Greenwich

and later Covent Garden

when I was seventeen,

having been inspired by

French anarchic circus,

Archaos. When I was

nineteen I did my first gig at

Up the Creek Comedy Club.

I love cooking, and if I weren’t

a comedian I’d be a chef.

I delivered my third child

on Christmas Day.

I keep intact all the wishbones

from any fowl we eat.

You never know when

you might need them.

I can’t play the flute.

Picture taken Edinburgh, August 2015

George Egg

What would

you call an Asian

archaeologist?

Indian Jones.

I started in June 2010 in London.

I have a bachelor’s in Biochemistry and a master’s

in Management.

I once had a dance-off with Britain’s Got Talent

winner George Sampson.

I have thirty-six first cousins (at least, I lose count).

I once fell off a van.

I got into comedy as a shortcut to fulfil my ambition

to play the Doctor in Doctor Who.

Tez Ilyas

19

Picture taken The Harlequin, Redhill, May 2014

I started on 27th February,

1995 at the Frog and Bucket

comedy club in Manchester

when it was in a pub. It was

the regular Monday open

spot Raw Night.

I never wash my socks. I wear

a brand new pair every day

(Asda £3 for seven pairs).

I have an in-growing nail on

my left foot on my big toe.

I used to run a pub

in Newcastle.

I’m scared of mice.

My dentist distracts me

by drawing flowers

on my nose.

Picture taken Jongleurs, Nottingham, December 2008

20

I started doing comedy in

March 2012 after the missus

bought me a comedy course

as a Christmas present. I

was fortunate as it was either

that or a tandem parachute

jump. The first ‘proper’ gig

was at The Ark in Caterham,

an open spot, where I

did what I thought was a

hilarious routine on death,

blissfully unaware that half

the audience had just been to

a close relative’s funeral and

had come to the comedy

night to cheer themselves up.

I was born in Peru.

I appeared in The Fast Show

as one of six Ronnie Corbetts

in a Twelve Ronnies sketch.

I was a member of the British

Falconers Club and kept birds

of prey in the back garden.

I’m 5’ 2” tall. I used to be

5’ 3” but I’ve shrunk.

I own a Harley Davidson

(don’t ride it – can’t reach

the floor).

21

Picture taken The George Inn, Walton-on-Thames, May 2014

22

My marriage was

a bit like buying

a dishwasher –

expensive, you get

it home, then after

a while I realised it

wasn’t working, then

after a few months

I thought, ‘Fuck it

I’ll do it by hand’.

First gig was at Britons Protection, a fab pub behind the

Bridgewater Hall in Manchester. It was about 1998.

I keep chickens.

I’m getting bees this year.

I’ve supported Dave Spikey.

I organised and helped raise 25K with Jason Manford

for the lakes flood fund.

I’ve got webbed toes.

Mike Wilkinson

Picture taken The Rawhide, Liverpool, August 2008

23

I started comedy in 2007 in The King’s Head in Crouch End.

I still do comedy, but now I’ve founded the Sunday Assembly

and am making sure that gets running again.

I am the co-founder and CEO of the Sunday Assembly.

I have twice held the world record for the world’s longest hug.

Picture taken Ipswich, March 2013

24

Picture taken The Rawhide, Liverpool, April 2008

I did my first gig at Unity Theatre

in Liverpool. I did the whole gig

with my flies down.

In a previous life I was in a metal

band and toured with Motörhead.

I used to be in a Subbuteo league...

there were only four of us.

I met my wife at a gong show and she got

me gonged off during my wedding speech.

If you don’t like The Smiths I’m not sure we can ever be friends.

I started comedy off and

on in 2002, but only took

it as my profession in 2008

after my franchise business

floundered during the

global recession.

I also have Canadian

citizenship and can

speak French.

I once beat up a police

officer who thought I was

drunk when I was sober.

My other passion is

aeronautics and aviation.

I am allergic to bees.

When my daughter was

an infant I accidentally hot

boxed her, and blame all

her present madness on

that mistake.

I have a bullet in my right

groin area due to a shooting

robbery in 2010.

25

Picture taken Cape Town, South Africa, August 2009

26

Phil Reid

I started on the circuit when

I was twenty-five.

At nineteen years old I was the north west

regional finalist for Bingo Caller of the Year 2005.

Every gig I perform I have to wear matching socks and boxers.

When I was twelve years old I had football trials for

Tranmere Rovers FC.

Got two kids, Liverpool fan, middle name is Reginald.

Picture taken Laughing Pod, Piccadilly, London November 2014

Josie Long

What does

the musician

say in the

multi-storey?

‘Is this your car?’

Picture taken Roar with Laughter, Colliers Wood, October 2008

27

I started comedy when I was a teenager at a stand-up

comedy workshop at the Studio Arts Centre in

Beckenham, Kent. It‘s since been closed down but

hopefully the two things are unrelated.

I am very quick to get ready in the morning. If necessary

I can be up and out within seven minutes.

I like swimming in cold water, in the winter.

I am always the first person on a buffet at a formal event

and I think that means I will survive the apocalypse.

5 foot 5, GSOH.

28

I started comedy at the Frog

and Bucket in Manchester

in January 2005 when I

was nineteen.

I went to the same school

as Tom Stoppard, Adrian

Edmondson, Ralph Ineson

and William Wilberforce.

I spend my free time creating

abstract art videos to

post online.

I’m a trained actor.

I grew up in Ireland, England,

the USA and Canada.

Picture taken The Rawhide, Liverpool, November 2008

I started comedy in 2001 at the Frog and Bucket in Manchester.

I went to the same school as Lisa Riley and the blonde girl

from Hear’Say.

My nephew was the heaviest baby ever born in his hospital.

I have a signed Lennox Lewis glove which I don’t know if

he ever used.

I have been spoken to by the police in relation to three

separate murders.

29

Picture taken York, October 2011

Danny Deegan

My friend has

a superiority

complex, not me,

I’m above that!’

First gig was at a pub in

Covent Garden in London,

2010. I can’t remember

which one.

I once got an ASBO for

‘threatening behaviour’ on a

bus. I think they overreacted.

As did I.

The day I got my driving

licence, I killed a dog.

With my car, I mean – not

just in victory at passing

on the sixth try.

Chopsticks get the better of

me every time. I just can’t

work them out. I also couldn’t

pull a ring pull on a can till

I was quite old.

When I was a waitress in

Leeds, I served Jimmy Saville,

and he pinched my arse…

even though I was twenty

at the time.

Guacamole is my favourite

dip. I won’t attend a dinner

party without it. Sometimes,

I bring two pots, one for the

guests, and one just for me.

Have you ever

thought, ‘I need

to sort my life out,’

then put on a load

of washing and

thought, ‘Yeah,

that’ll do’?

Picture taken Gigglegate, Forest Gate, London, March 2014

30

I started comedy stuff proper aged sixteen in

1997. I started juggling comedy in 1998.

Although I had a professional acting job in Ibsen

aged four, I then quit serious drama.

I ran away from Sheffield to join a circus school.

I have never done a real job, except a paper

round for one day as a favour for a friend.

I have never swum with dolphins. But I do

regularly swim in the sea. Well, waddle.

Picture taken Leeds, March 2010

31

My first name is

Goronwy, like an

airport runway with

a ‘g’ in front of it, like

g-runway, a Welsh

name… which then

makes people think

I am Welsh and

instantly compare

me to a slightly fat

Aled Jones.

I have the iTunes library of a severely unemployed man.

I only feel emotions after 11:15pm.

I have been pretending to understand what the GDP is

for like twelve years. Sorry.

I once got too high and was pretty sure I had potato famine.

Probably the most rewarding period of my life was 2009’s

Iron Man 2 trailer.

I don’t eat fruit. I have fruit flies in my apartment.

I’m not sure what happens in Vegas.

Picture taken Gigglegate, Forest Gate, London, March 2014

32

33

Bobby Mair

I was adopted.

I’ve never met

my mom, I don’t

know what she

does for a

living and that

makes it hard

to enjoy a

lap dance.

I started comedy in Toronto in September 2005.

My favourite author is John Irving.

My favourite TV show is Battlestar Galactica.

As a child I ate a jar of peanut butter a week

and a litre of milk a day.

Picture taken The Comedy Pub, London, October 2014

34

I started in 2011 at a

Laughing Horse gig.

I started stand-up upon the

advice of my parents.

I’m a vegan who’s allergic to

raw fruit and vegetables.

I once spent a night in

a cell in Brooklyn.

As a child I had

a pet chicken

called Whiskey.

Picture taken JokeKlub,

Great Totham, Essex,

March 2014

36

I still see my

ex-boyfriend

all the time

but I think

he’s cool

with it;

I’m all

over him.

I started in comedy in 1985

somewhere in Sussex when I

deliberately threw myself off

the top bunk onto the floor at

JLGB’s (Jewish Lads’ and Girls’

Brigade) summer camp to get

a quality laugh from the room

after we’d just been told to

keep the noise down.

I was named after Leila

Khaled, the first female

Muslim terrorist to hijack

a plane.

I’ve taught in over 250

London primary schools.

I’ve been topless on page 3

of the Daily Star by accident.

I’ve slow danced cheek to

cheek with Terry Wogan on

live TV whilst wearing only

a midnight blue corset,

fishnets and stilettos.

Lheila

Oberman

Picture taken Nancy Victor Gallery, London, April 2014

First gig: 3rd December 2003, 9:45pm, The Bear in Bearwood.

I paint, draw and I also make T shirts.

In the day I work at a dentist, front of house. I‘m quite new to it all

and I still chuckle when I book people in for 2:30 (tooth hurty).

My mum is Chinese.

I am part of a Bafta-award-winning team who worked on the

official Sydney 2000 games. I thought it was rubbish and

I think money was exchanged.

Okse

Picture taken Jongleurs, Birmingham, September 2009

37

Andy Zaltzman

I started comedy when I hosted a stand-up gig at university as a

favour to a friend who had organised it, in 1996. I soon retired.

And restarted at the open mic night at the Comedy Cafe in 1999.

I was banned from an annual sports quiz after my team had

won three years in a row.

I was controversially disqualified from my school under-six sack

race for crossing the line out of my sack. I maintain that I had

leg-contact with the sack as I touched the finish line.

I delivered our second child in the bathroom at home, before

retiring from midwifery with an unblemished one out of one record.

My great uncle was Nelson Mandela’s accountant.

38

Picture taken Nancy Victor Gallery, London, April 2014

My first paid gig (£5) was on the London Comedy Circuit

in Dalston. I put the fiver in my sock in case

I got mugged. It was 1988.

I like to collect things and own a sixteen inch high statue

of Gort (from the 1959 film The Day The Earth Stood Still).

I also attend vinyl record fairs and love the jazz

musician Carla Bley.

Picture taken Barrow Town Football Club, Barrow-Upon-Soar, Loughborough, March 2014

Anthony King

39

They say it’s easy

to spot someone

wearing a wig.

And it’s true

because I wore

one yesterday

and saw three

people.

40

Picture taken Nancy Victor Gallery, London, April 2014

My first gig was in 1985 in

Culver City, California. As I was

about to be introduced, the gig

was aborted because a riot

had broken out and the police

had to be called. I was ushered

out the back door to safety.

My second gig was in 1996

at the Comedy Cafe in London.

I am an Italian Citizen as well

as an American Citizen.

My mother was from Dundee,

Scotland and we are

descendants of a Scottish clan.

I have been to the G8 summit

where I took Polaroid pictures

of John Major and Mikhail

Gorbachev.

I was a number one afternoon

radio presenter in California

from the age of fifteen to

twenty-six.

I have a BA in English

Literature from UCLA.

My grandmother

always said, ‘If I don’t

see you in the week I’ll

see you in the window’.

I never knew what that

meant until last week when

I was in Amsterdam, and

there she was waving at me

through a window.

I met this beautiful

girl the other night but

like the star crossed

lovers we were it just

wasn’t meant to be.

I’m a scorpio and

she’s a lesbian.

I started comedy back in August 2010.

I got four yeses on Britain’s Got Talent in 2013

but it was never broadcast.

I’ve eaten and fed a kangaroo in the same day.

I once broke my hand whilst playing table tennis (serves me right!).

I managed to get 150,000 signatures on a government

petition to stop the badger cull in 2013 by producing a video

called Save the Badger Badger Badger with Mr Weebl,

Brian May and Brian Blessed for YouTube.

Christian

Elderfield

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Picture taken The Crack, Wimbledon, October 2013

Papa CJ

I started stand-up in 2004.

I have performed at gun point in South Africa.

I have an MBA from the University of Oxford.

I run a charity for underprivileged children in India.

I was on the top 10 of Last Comic Standing in 2008 and to

date I have never seen a single episode of any of their shows.

I’m the only stand-up comedian from India to have performed

on four different continents. I did 250 gigs in my first ten months

as a comedian. I introduced English language stand-up comedy

to India and started off the circuit in the country.

I’ve had an ex Under Secretary General of the United Nations

get on stage at one of my comedy nights in Delhi.

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Are we so different?

Half of your public

transportation

is bollocks, half

of our public

transportation

is bullocks.

Picture taken Soho Theatre, London, February 2016

Col Howarth

I started 2 August 2013 at Drones Comedy Club, Cardiff.

I used to be a drummer in a band.

I live in a part of Cardiff that has been up and coming

for about 140 years.

I have served Jim Tavare sparkling water.

I had a life

changing weekend.

For the first time

I entered the

National Lottery –

I’ve never seen

so many otters.

Picture taken Russell Square, London, April 2014

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My first gig was in 2001 at

one of the London heats of

the So You Think You’re Funny

new comedians competition.

The gig was unbelievably

good (still in my top three

ever). I probably should

have quit then.

I memorised Pythagorus’

theorem to a 100 decimal

points to confound the maths

teacher who accused me of

not paying attention in class.

I worked as a timeshare tout

in the Canary Islands for three

years in the mid eighties.

Aged nineteen, I didn’t

possess a single pair of

shoes for six months.

I earned a living for

nearly a year just playing

backgammon for money.

My favourite food is roast

lamb with all the trimmings.

When I was a kid I covered

everything in mint sauce to

make it taste like roast lamb.

Come to think of it,

maybe mint sauce is

my favourite food.

Picture taken Jongleurs, Oxford, June 2008

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Have you ever

tried to drink your

own body weight

in caffeine?

It’s not everyone’s

cup of tea!

I started comedy in London, on the 31st October (Halloween)

at a gig in Dirty Dicks, Liverpool Street, organised by a

group of actors from the London Dungeons.

I trained in ballet for four years.

I’m a qualified barber.

I started school in Amsterdam.

I am so accident prone that I once broke my arm skating

on a pair of Fischer Price ‘safety’ skates.

I once slapped Dave Grohl around the face.

Paul Sweeney

Picture taken The Crack, Kingston, February 2011

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Sy Thomas

I started at Aberystwyth

University, Spring 2001.

I once drove through Western

Africa and the Sahara Desert

in a car that cost £100.

I didn’t eat pizza until I was thirty.

I support Wycombe Wanderers

Football Club.

I once hi-fived Chico whilst

dressed as a horse.

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It’s like my

psychiatrist always

says: ’Mr Thomas,

this is a dentists;

please stop talking,

you’re making

my job very

difficult’.

Picture taken Fubbar Radio, London, May 2014

I did my first gig in a bar in

Edinburgh called Negotiants

in 1996. I was at Edinburgh

University at the time. I had

no act and wound up talking

about the room for ten

minutes. In many ways,

this has not changed.

I ride a Vespa scooter

everywhere, including to gigs

bloody miles away.

I have a German wife.

I’m a famous nail biter, and

believe it to be nutritious.

I worked for a couple of years

at Burger King, where I was

on the broiler.

Mark Dolan

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Picture taken Fubbar Radio, London, May 2014

I would never

have an affair.

I would never

want to double

the number of

people in my

life who are

quite cross and

disappointed

with me.

I was in a very quiet country pub one night,

wondering how they make a living. A poster

said ‘Friday night: Dave Wilson’. Thinking

there was a band, I went along on Friday.

Turned out that Dave Wilson was the bloke

drinking in there that night.

First gig was in a pub in the

Elephant and Castle, some

acts hadn’t turned up so I

offered to stand in there and

then. With some success.

I’ve been working as an Air

Traffic Controller most of the

time, but managed to squeeze

in an Edinburgh show with

Matt Lucas and some live

shows with Vic and Bob,

thanks to supportive bosses

and colleagues.

I fly a light aeroplane in my

spare time: once flew to a gig

in Stockton-on-Tees. Last year

I flew solo to Barcelona and

back. This year I am driving

in a forty-year-old MGB.

I don’t believe in food at parties.

No-one should wear shorts

in a city, unless that city has

a beach.

Dorian Crook

Picture taken London, January 2014

48

I started comedy in 2012, on

Harry Denford’s Comedy Course.

I have a marzipan addiction.

I hate sunbathing.

When I was thirteen, I had

my appendix removed in

Disneyland Paris.

I can speak French.

Oh my god, mega

drama the other day:

my dishwasher

stopped working!

Yuh, his visa

expired.

Picture taken

We Are Funny Project, Dalston, London,

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October 2016

Aaron

Meszaros

My first time on stage was at the Comics

Lounge, North Melbourne, Australia 2004.

I was born on the 1st of April, Good Friday.

That’s a special kind of fool.

As an Australian comedian, when I started doing

comedy in London I had many different jobs.

I was a tour guide for a London tour bus company.

I’m not even from this country. I don’t know how

I managed to get that job.

Currently I actually live in a hostel.

My girlfriend thinks I should be more factual.

I grew up in a small town called Melton, which is located

in Victoria, Australia. It is so small that the fact I’m in this

book makes me an international star back home.

Queen are my favourite band – of all time.

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I am an only child,

essentially, ‘if at first

you don’t succeed,

quit,’ says Mum.

Picture taken Hampstead Comedy Club, May 2014

I started comedy in 2007 but

gave birth to Quint in 2012.

I can play the ‘William Tell

Overture’ on my cheeks.

I know more about 70s prog

rock than someone of my

age should.

I get extremely annoyed

by people who don’t take

their hat off when eating

in restaurants.

I have never watched, and

never will watch Bake Off.

Quint Fontana

Andy Davies

51

Picture taken Hampstead Comedy Club, May 2014

Alfie Joey

52

I was looking in the paper

the other day and I thought

‘Hey! That’s me!’…

It was the Mirror!

Picture taken Jongleurs Battersea,

London, 2007

I did my first ever gig at Downstairs at the King’s Head

in North London, an old established comedy club,

under the guidance of the fantastic Huw Thomas.

My first home was a workingmen’s club in a County

Durham pit village.

I trained to be a priest and then joined a religious

order (fifteen years in all in monastic life).

I’ve loved snooker since I was a lad and

enjoy a visit to the Crucible during

the World Championships.

I was a bike courier in London

Town and my walkie talkie

name was Oscar 24.

I’ve written articles for the

Frank Sinatra Appreciation

Society and saw him at

London Arena in 1990.

Nish Kumar

I started comedy at Durham University as part

of the Durham Revue Sketch Group.

I am from Croydon, a place routinely voted

one of the worst towns in the UK.

I was once forcibly removed from a castle.

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